Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
