I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
