My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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