its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
