Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
