i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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