Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
