You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I love you.
Bad choice
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
