I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
