I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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