New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
