I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
