I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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