either way he was missing a nipple.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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