I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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