She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
