I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
