my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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