I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
