My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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