Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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