Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
