the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
