Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
