there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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