My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
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maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
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This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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