Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
