How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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