i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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