dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
