Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
