bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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