My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
