He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
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