it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
why does every cop we meet know your name?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
