Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
