Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
We need to feng shui this bitch.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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