All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
