miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
