I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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