I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize
