i need an iv and a liver transplant
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
