Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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