I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
