If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
