There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
