just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
