god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
