After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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