I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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