I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
