just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
