I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
