If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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